dear void.

just one of my favorite quotes from my favorite movies,

which i actually don't have a copy of...

and my birthday is in a month and like six minutes.

back to it though, i love these words.

i love them because i actually find myself asking myself the same things pretty often.

in fact, if you even spend about a day with me, you'll know that i'm always worrying about my life.

i don't know if it's because i'm way over-analytical and worry that i'll find myself in a rut of a life one day.

it's just that i've had my eyes opened for me at a young age.

i've been told many stories from people that spent large parts of their life living somebody else's life.

being someone they thought they were supposed to be.

essentially wasting their life.

i've seen the pain this has caused. the unrest.

these stories are practically horror stories for me.

i'm all about learning through experiences, 

but i also have a deep need and personal demand for efficiency.

everyone else can do what they want and make their mistakes and it's just fine.

 but for me [and i know this is completely unrealistic], 

i need to be on point with myself every step of the way.

i was always that cheater that checked every option in those choose-your-own-adventure books just so i didn't waste my time wandering through the forest just to get eaten by wolves or end up marrying a leprechaun.

because i need to know what i'm doing and where the h i'm going or i will just crash.

i live with purpose.

i'm constantly questioning myself if my entire life i'm living on every level is what i actually want.

wondering if i'd be happier in california or paris than in utah.

wondering if i surround and influence myself with the right people.

wondering if i'm absolutely crazy and should scrap everything i'm working towards.

i'm a skeptic. but i'm also a realist.

i also know that i'm a bit naive and so i try to overcompensate.

hence that over-thinking part of me.

and i can't decide if i should condone this constant questioning because while it does keep me on my feet and always make me fight to never sit in my own crap,

it also leaves me always questioning and never absolutely and truly fulfilled.

because i'm always worried i'm just being naive or apathetic in my choices and there's something more perfect for me somewhere else.

i've realized that there's just kind of this acute but constant bitterness if you want to keep your eyes open and your head up.

i don't know.

i don't really want an answer. i just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. so good night, dear void.

i got no respect because i'm the new man.

[not a big deal but i'm obsessed with this girl and am missing her an insane amount....even though i saw her a week ago.]

not a big deal,

but maybe my internet connection is being super crappy

and doing hw (which was technically due about 7 hours ago now) that should have taken 1 hour to do

has turned into 2+ hours.

not a big deal,

but maybe my dinner tonight was about 30 m&m's in class.

in my defense, most of them were brown which makes them healthier because chocolate's already brown..................

making mommy and daddy proud.

not a big deal,

but maybe i'm desperate enough for an internship that i applied to one at an insurance company.

almost twice actually.

so that's desperate twice.

raisin' the self-esteem roof here people!

not a big deal,

but maybe i did really well on a test that was really hard

and then did hardly average on a test that was "really easy".

but who cares, because i got my ratings back at work today and according to them, i am "just lovely to chat with on the phone". 

and that's all that really matters in this world isn't it?

not a big deal,

but maybe i have listened to this song a shameful amount of times now....

[maybe this is why it's taken me extra long to do my hw]

and laugh at myself/pretend i know all the words the entire time.

seriously, who am i??

it's a sad day when...

[there's a fox on my sweater. this isn't sad. this is awesome.]
it's the third week of school, and i'm just now getting to ordering my books online. lucky for me, they'll be here in precisely not on time for my reading quizzes this week. great, michelle, SUPER GREAT.

i really actually just want doughnuts. all the time. cake and glazed. and i will marry you if you put a dozen on my ring finger.

speaking of food, maybe i had a dream where i went to taco bell and spent $200? seriously, i'm wild. call the police because things are apparently just getting out of hand mentally. 

every time i go to my media law class, i just want to watch legally blonde. #subjectmatterjurisdiction

the darn adorable boyfriend is in hawaii all week and constantly spamming me with paradisiacal pictures that make me immediately want to jump ship. just tell me why my request to sneak on the plane with him in his carry-on was denied. i am a pleasure to travel with!

construction on the parking lot smack dab by my apartment complex wakes me up in the morning. excuse me, but if you don't stop operating your machinery, i will personally chuck a brick out of my window at your head. thank you very much.

quickly getting ready in the dark to work out only to realize in the light that you're wearing head-to-toe pink. pink-the color of pepto bismol. hopefully it won't affect my runs, badumbumpshhh!

what's more worth it: waking up earlier to wash and do your hair so it can cover your ears from the freezing cold be clean and look nice so you can make friends, or sleep in and just chuck your dirty hair into a bun/ponytail and risk your ears literally falling off in front of you?
if you really know me, you know it's a simple choice. sadly.

just some deducings from a lost girl.

i find myself reflecting a lot lately.

 i keep getting random spurts of inspiration because of advice from books or people around me.

and i can't help but find it funny that the things i am learning from them, i already know...

but i was so quick to forget them.

like a silly lost lamb or something.

how it it possible to understand something so clearly at one point and then have it become blurry to you in seemingly no time after that?

it's as if i need to write all these things down and read them to myself daily to remember them.

and please explain to me how it is possible to know or to at least have an idea of something that you want to be and become, and you even know exactly what you need to do in order to change to get there, but for some reason you just aren't doing it?

and you don't even know why.

perhaps apprehension?

or just apathy?

regardless, it's discouraging.

it's just kinda interesting to me how long it takes to truly find ourselves.

what we want in life.

what we want in relationships.

what we want out of ourselves.

and every time we happen to find a small piece, we wonder how we went so long not knowing about that important part of us.

i'm kind of addicted to that moment.

and those beautiful findings.

it's a sad day when...

[you're missin maria and jit so so badly. and our summer full of craziness in the best way. and this "free day"/maria's birthday/pre-entire tray of birthday baklava where we basically ate the entire city of santa monica. oh, but it was the best.]

-you stay up until 2 in the morning every night now, for no dang reason other than random organizing/listening to music/blog stalking/my own picture stalking. which causes you to be late/miss your first class every day. whoops? (don't tell daddy.)

-the highlight of your day is watching cowbelles at work. yes, the once very popular disney channel movie still has a special place in my heart. what can i say, i just love those cheesy riches to rags stories.

-you dgaf hardcore after too much accounting and get a holiday mint chocolate shake and a junior double cheeseburger at sonic when you're supposed to be on a strict diet and watching your figure. whoops again? sure, i'm watching it...watching it get bigger.

-you drop your iphone on campus and scream "shiz!!" so loud in a group of people. hi guys, i still have a testimony and the church is true. move along.

-you cry at work for no reason other than the fact that you spent a good thirty minutes talking to the cutest and sweetest old man that melts your heart, and who eventually ended up duping you into giving him your address so he could send you some handmade christmas cards. i'm so bad at saying no. i'm sure one of these day, i'm just gonna get raped or something. at least i'll have some nichols' originals!

-ummm, you nearly escape death whilst walking on campus at night when you're almost pummeled by FOUR deer prancing by. [for all i know, they could've been reindeer.] it's no big deal, they just got done taking a test too. hey, what'd you guys get for #12?? i know, i know, too far michelle. 

-you go to take a sneaky secret picture with your phone of a rather large man sitting next to you wearing one of those old school link charm bracelet things that you had when you were 12....and the flash goes off. oh good, i'll just die now for the rest of class which happens to be thirty more minutes because i'm the luckiest girl in the world. don't even ask me the amount of money i would've paid to be dead at that moment, it's not a pretty number.

tumblr poser.

 prepare for the random michelle. she comes out at night.

suddenly i have an insatiable desire to go shopping. 

like big-time-spend-way-too-much-money shopping.

[don't worry, i only put it in my "shopping cart" and just pretend.]

too bad it's midnight.

but, also it's black friday.

and i currently have possession of a rental car [one i rented all by myself, i must add].

but, i'm in merced california.

the farming capital of the world.

not really. but almost.

i don't really feel like i'm in the market for a tractor right now actually.

and in case you were wondering if you can eat yourself to death with pie,

i'm living proof that you can.

[or can't?]

yeah, i dug that ironic contradicting hole. whatever, don't feel like trying to get out.

andimissyoumattybooboo.

but seriously.

i've got something to say.

something i need to get out there.

so i can finally understand it for myself.

lately, i've been in the muck of one of my bi-(sometimes tri-)annual meltdowns.

the silly thing with me is

i feel like i have at least one mid-life crisis each school semester.

[yes, i'm aware that my life isn't halfway over but i call it that for tradition's/reference's sake.]

like clockwork, i can feel it coming on once my work begins to pile up.

or when i'm stuck in classes or a job that doesn't really inspire or light me up.

[which truly is inevitable because i get tired of things really easily the more i delve into them. the broad thinker man's curse.]

maybe because i don't want to think about my work so i resort to thinking about anything else

aka my life at the present and in the future.

and i tend to over think things [like alot. or alot more than any other girl i know.] 

and stress about things too easily.

and these crisis' tend to temporarily rip me apart like a mad tornado.

i start to lose a grip on myself and for awhile, i have no idea what i truly want.

it's almost like all my limits and personal lines start to blur or knock over.

so when this recent one hit me, i wasn't surprised because of unfamiliarity.

i was surprised because more than ever, i've realized that i have no idea what i want.

i might know some things i definitely don't want.

but lately i've started falling for just about anything.

and in some ways, i'm hating myself for it.

i'm figuratively looking at myself in a mirror throughout my days and thinking i'm crazy.

making choices that the me a couple weeks ago would verbally chew me out for.

it's uncomfortable and not natural for me to act and think this way that i am right now.

all my plans don't seem so adamantly penned into my life planner anymore.

and my own personal labels aren't sticking anymore.

i don't know if this is a good thing or not, being more open to things, people, goals.

i've spent the last couple years being extremely cautious and strict on myself with relationships and life plans.

and while i always thought that was the most beneficial thinking for myself, i'm coming to terms now that it might not be the healthiest thing for me to be so hard on myself.

i can't always make the most efficient choices like i want to.

i've also realized that i have a lot of unanswered questions in my life.

and it's been really hard for me, not getting that instant resolve that i love and long for.

i have a strong testimony. i have faith. and i do have hope.

but i truly don't understand why really hard things have happened to my loved ones.

watching them get attacked over and over has almost become unbearable.

i know there are reasons for it all. i just wish so badly i could understand those reasons.

and i do know that someday my questions will be answered.

i'll be forever calmed.

it's just hard sometimes. a little bit empty.

i don't usually write so openly about myself in public. 

in fact, i always leave those writings to a word document that i almost always resort to around 1 or 2 in the morning [like i'm doing now] when i'm tossing and turning in bed. 

and i realize it's because i have a million thoughts in my mind that i have to throw up on paper so i can sort everything out and understand it for myself instead of having it ricocheting around in my brain. 

but what's so wrong with this vulnerability?

it shows i'm human, having raw feelings and emotions.

these are the things i'm struggling with lately.

i'm sure others are too in their own ways.

identity management is something i'm very much guilty of, and i'm working on being comfortable enough with myself to actually let me represent me.

i'm finding comfort in alma 5:13 [as well as my wonderful family and friends].

13 And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.

this, i know, to be true.

i'll be okay.