it's a sad day when...

[you're missin maria and jit so so badly. and our summer full of craziness in the best way. and this "free day"/maria's birthday/pre-entire tray of birthday baklava where we basically ate the entire city of santa monica. oh, but it was the best.]

-you stay up until 2 in the morning every night now, for no dang reason other than random organizing/listening to music/blog stalking/my own picture stalking. which causes you to be late/miss your first class every day. whoops? (don't tell daddy.)

-the highlight of your day is watching cowbelles at work. yes, the once very popular disney channel movie still has a special place in my heart. what can i say, i just love those cheesy riches to rags stories.

-you dgaf hardcore after too much accounting and get a holiday mint chocolate shake and a junior double cheeseburger at sonic when you're supposed to be on a strict diet and watching your figure. whoops again? sure, i'm watching it...watching it get bigger.

-you drop your iphone on campus and scream "shiz!!" so loud in a group of people. hi guys, i still have a testimony and the church is true. move along.

-you cry at work for no reason other than the fact that you spent a good thirty minutes talking to the cutest and sweetest old man that melts your heart, and who eventually ended up duping you into giving him your address so he could send you some handmade christmas cards. i'm so bad at saying no. i'm sure one of these day, i'm just gonna get raped or something. at least i'll have some nichols' originals!

-ummm, you nearly escape death whilst walking on campus at night when you're almost pummeled by FOUR deer prancing by. [for all i know, they could've been reindeer.] it's no big deal, they just got done taking a test too. hey, what'd you guys get for #12?? i know, i know, too far michelle. 

-you go to take a sneaky secret picture with your phone of a rather large man sitting next to you wearing one of those old school link charm bracelet things that you had when you were 12....and the flash goes off. oh good, i'll just die now for the rest of class which happens to be thirty more minutes because i'm the luckiest girl in the world. don't even ask me the amount of money i would've paid to be dead at that moment, it's not a pretty number.

tumblr poser.

 prepare for the random michelle. she comes out at night.

suddenly i have an insatiable desire to go shopping. 

like big-time-spend-way-too-much-money shopping.

[don't worry, i only put it in my "shopping cart" and just pretend.]

too bad it's midnight.

but, also it's black friday.

and i currently have possession of a rental car [one i rented all by myself, i must add].

but, i'm in merced california.

the farming capital of the world.

not really. but almost.

i don't really feel like i'm in the market for a tractor right now actually.

and in case you were wondering if you can eat yourself to death with pie,

i'm living proof that you can.

[or can't?]

yeah, i dug that ironic contradicting hole. whatever, don't feel like trying to get out.

andimissyoumattybooboo.

but seriously.

i've got something to say.

something i need to get out there.

so i can finally understand it for myself.

lately, i've been in the muck of one of my bi-(sometimes tri-)annual meltdowns.

the silly thing with me is

i feel like i have at least one mid-life crisis each school semester.

[yes, i'm aware that my life isn't halfway over but i call it that for tradition's/reference's sake.]

like clockwork, i can feel it coming on once my work begins to pile up.

or when i'm stuck in classes or a job that doesn't really inspire or light me up.

[which truly is inevitable because i get tired of things really easily the more i delve into them. the broad thinker man's curse.]

maybe because i don't want to think about my work so i resort to thinking about anything else

aka my life at the present and in the future.

and i tend to over think things [like alot. or alot more than any other girl i know.] 

and stress about things too easily.

and these crisis' tend to temporarily rip me apart like a mad tornado.

i start to lose a grip on myself and for awhile, i have no idea what i truly want.

it's almost like all my limits and personal lines start to blur or knock over.

so when this recent one hit me, i wasn't surprised because of unfamiliarity.

i was surprised because more than ever, i've realized that i have no idea what i want.

i might know some things i definitely don't want.

but lately i've started falling for just about anything.

and in some ways, i'm hating myself for it.

i'm figuratively looking at myself in a mirror throughout my days and thinking i'm crazy.

making choices that the me a couple weeks ago would verbally chew me out for.

it's uncomfortable and not natural for me to act and think this way that i am right now.

all my plans don't seem so adamantly penned into my life planner anymore.

and my own personal labels aren't sticking anymore.

i don't know if this is a good thing or not, being more open to things, people, goals.

i've spent the last couple years being extremely cautious and strict on myself with relationships and life plans.

and while i always thought that was the most beneficial thinking for myself, i'm coming to terms now that it might not be the healthiest thing for me to be so hard on myself.

i can't always make the most efficient choices like i want to.

i've also realized that i have a lot of unanswered questions in my life.

and it's been really hard for me, not getting that instant resolve that i love and long for.

i have a strong testimony. i have faith. and i do have hope.

but i truly don't understand why really hard things have happened to my loved ones.

watching them get attacked over and over has almost become unbearable.

i know there are reasons for it all. i just wish so badly i could understand those reasons.

and i do know that someday my questions will be answered.

i'll be forever calmed.

it's just hard sometimes. a little bit empty.

i don't usually write so openly about myself in public. 

in fact, i always leave those writings to a word document that i almost always resort to around 1 or 2 in the morning [like i'm doing now] when i'm tossing and turning in bed. 

and i realize it's because i have a million thoughts in my mind that i have to throw up on paper so i can sort everything out and understand it for myself instead of having it ricocheting around in my brain. 

but what's so wrong with this vulnerability?

it shows i'm human, having raw feelings and emotions.

these are the things i'm struggling with lately.

i'm sure others are too in their own ways.

identity management is something i'm very much guilty of, and i'm working on being comfortable enough with myself to actually let me represent me.

i'm finding comfort in alma 5:13 [as well as my wonderful family and friends].

13 And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.

this, i know, to be true.

i'll be okay.

things you do when you're sick.

[reminisce about fun times in paris with my girls when i had money to burn and time to kill eating and shopping, and just loving life as a semi-cross-eyed french girl. ahhh c'est la vie.]

-you find videos like this on youtube:

 and then spend way too long laughing at it and watching it. seriously, sets me on a hacking coughing rampage that i can't get out of for minutes every time i watch it. "who haaa cherry soda hehh hehhh" "bring on the steamed croutons" "free bananas!....oh well nevermind."

-you take three times as long to do hw because your brain is literal goo. basically, sicknesses make me weak and i don't like it. it's like i'll have thoughts.....and then lose them for ten minutes. mission prep papers [disclaimer: paper for my mission prep CLASS, not to literally go out on a mission. i know you're all disappointed now.] shouldn't take 7 hours to write, but on sick tuesdays they do.

-nyquil for dayzzz that gives you the freakiest/trippiest dreams like almost getting raped by liam neeson and something about getting shot in the eye and falling into a mcdonalds ball pit. don't ask, brain=literal gooooo.

-you don't have an appetite for eggs. for the first time in your life. all i want is hot chocolate and soup, which is just ridiculous. i'm not this girl.

-the germs are even starting to gross me out, which if you really know me, you know that hardly ever happens. somebody just vacuum up my room and give me a new one.

-you wear the same clothes for dayzzzz (what?? not me.)

-tissues on tissues on tissues. little piles of them all over my room. but seriously, rub some vasoline or something on my nose because the sadness is just unreal.

-had to google "stuff chapstick is made out of" to remember the word for vasoline. literal gooooo, i'm telling ya. also, no i haven't been rubbing my chapstick on my nose..........

-i have a feeling that things are getting alittle too tmi for keeping up the status of my reputation.........................mostly i just wanted to talk about that video because i still can't get over it. maybe that's just the nyquil talkin.

-that's it.

it's a sad day when...

[sleeping sitting up now since nothing else is working.]

-you wake up with "i might even be a rockstar" by hannah montana in your head. but just the chorus though, because that's the only part you know. so lucky for you, that part keeps playing over and over and over [and over]. how did i ever get so blessed??

-you can't sleep in anymore because the sun currently wakes you up...? i'm sorry, when did i become one of those mountain men when my sleep can't even stand the test of time and i'm "waking up with the sun"?? c'mon body, these are my glory days, give mama some dang beauty rest.

-it's way past your dinner time. you're starving, but you already ate two giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. and you're no einstein, but according to the nutritional content of those, you shouldn't be eating for another ten years. dang it.

-you go to ikea for the first time ever...and love it more than anything. and realize that you could lose track of time for days in there just looking at everything. obviously this is a testament to my true classy character. but c'mon, dishes in EVERY color?? it's kind of like a museum....for dorky recently inexpensive decor-obsessed people like me. oh, who am i?

-you're laughing more at the jokes you're making than the ones that other people are making. out loud. for too many minutes. people are staring. it's not my fault i think [and know] i'm the funniest person i know, okay?

-you are motivated to go to a wedding reception mainly because of the food. and you are legitimately considering bringing tupperware to take some home with you, discreetly or not. but seriously though, congratulations to the happy couple...as i down this gourmet pizza and pastries.

-you're excited for school to start in a couple days. and, you can't wait to go to your accounting class. when did i become this person?

the british are coming!

[me on the tower bridge in front of the london eye.]
i am seriously a spoiled brat.

okay, let me preface that thought by saying i am finally gonna do another study abroad post.

what michelle? it was almost a year ago and you're still not done and still going?

yes.

i'm a loser.

but who cares, i like the reminiscing.

back to the brat comment...

first off, can't believe i went on a study abroad.

it still blows my mind.

plus, why did i not appreciate it more while i was there?

going through all my pictures of this day seriously takes me back and makes me ache big time for 

LONDON.

that's right.

our first day in london [friday, november something], we decided we wanted to just go out and see the whole city.

aka get tickets for the double-decker buses and tourist it up!

and that we did.

and we weren't short of obnoxious imitation british accents [seeing the men in red on horses and yelling "the british are coming!" never got old...neither did "'ello guvna!"] and having our cameras glued to our hand with our pointer finger snapping like a machine gun.

or maybe that was just me??

probably.

here's some fabulous eye candy that'll make you go berserk like i just did editing them.

[stolen from maddie's fb-all us girls on top of the double decker.]

[you better believe this song was instantly in my head, and then for the rest of the day when i saw this.]

right??

one of the things i absolutely loved about london was the amazing architecture.

never in my life have i seen so much diversity in the buildings.

and i really don't feel like architecture stands out to me but it's impossible to not notice it in london.

it's an explosion of creativity.

and there's so much in me that just wants to take it all with me and look at it forever.

hence the bazillion pictures.

oh gosh, i just can't speak enough about it.

anyways, we stayed on the buses for awhile and hopped off whenever we decided to explore a little more [topshop, the tower bridge, the london eye].

and while walking by the london eye we stumbled upon a little doughnut-making lady [she had a shop...she wasn't just standing randomly making doughnuts in the road] who gave us a little piece of heaven on earth.

[i'm a sucker for any kind of simple, plain doughnut. so yes, i put this in my mouth and melted.]

our bus passes also gave us a free ferry ride, so we took off to get in line to get on the ferry.
and came across this pretty kitty...

yes, we were beyond obnoxious but i've never laughed so hard in my life with all these girls.

[stolen from maddie's fb-left to right: me, sam, riley, kelly, annie, anna, and maddie]

then surprisingly enough, me and maddie booked it off that ferry ride down to oxford street because we bought tickets to phantom of the opera on broadway.

[i know i look like i should be auditioning for the part of phantom. it was a lonnng day without a mirror.]

it was my first time seeing it on broadway and it was amazing!

i was singing along with all the songs, 

and might have cried when christine sang "wishing you were somehow here again".

it's just too good!

anyways, this day was completely perfect.

what was more perfect was coming back to our hostel where all our girls were basically running around naked and sharing the tiniest bottle of shampoo to take showers in the public showers on our floor.

laughed my butt off until it finally walked itself to bed.

oh, how i miss london.