i go back and forth between wanting to settle down for real in a fully decorated apartment where i'm not sleeping on an air mattress and wanting to run away to countries whose names i can't pronounce where i don't know what they're saying and i'm lost every two seconds. i don't know whether i want to build off of what i already have or scrap it all and start completely over. i'm plunging in directions that i'm not always confident in. i want to get away but i'm already lonely. NOTHING in my life does not bring me questions. i wonder about the whole idea of "you need to find happiness with where you're at and explore new things" quote (not verbatim, obviously) because i'm not happy with where i'm at. i don't know how everyone else isn't going through this and questioning everything and just sinking more and more into their lives that they hate. i'm not completely satisfied with the girl that i am right now. and maybe i don't need to just settle into my unhappiness and accept it. maybe i can just shake this all off and go somewhere new because why the heck not.
by the way (john bytheway...my dad always says "by the way" and i call him out on it every time and every time he'll shoots back "yeah, JOHN bytheway"), that's what you get for being the offspring of careful gina and crazy scott. you get all the urges of wanting to research everything and wait wait wait and save up money along with the impulses to spend everything you have on one way tickets and ditching your phone in the ocean and living off of gas station food.
i don't know how to figure it out and i don't know if i'll ever be completely happy when i make a choice because the other side of me will probably always be screaming.
but i'm gonna start with somewhere in the middle where i'm not doing the traditional stay-in-one-place forever thing. with that, i have to get over my need to report to everyone in my life about why i'm doing what i'm doing so they know where i'm at and they don't think i'm crazy. and yes, i'm aware that even me talking right now is me reporting, just don't say anything and go with it. i'm a silly.
the fact of the matter is is that i can't please everyone and i need to accept that and move on.
so from here on out, you've been warned.
if i'm a crazy, you've been warned. if i'm extra careful, you're been warned.
i'll start small, but i just might be one of those can't-hold-them-to-anything people for awhile.
and that's just gonna have to do for now.
