hey you, how's this for cryptic?

welcome to the late night ramblings and melatonin-induced thoughts of michelle. stuffy nose and all. 

i'm thankful for a daddy that responds to the latest of late night texts coming from a lost girl. 

a daddy that calls me up right then and there at 3:30am to tell me that i'm absolutely wonderful 

and that my gosh, i deserve the best. and then listens to my secret sadness and my deepest hurts that have somehow and suddenly come out of nowhere again, even though they were buried and pushed away only just days before. and then just days before that as well. i can't really explain it, but life lately seems to just repeat itself over and over like a broken record. and yet, it appears i can't simply pick it up, learn it, and move on to the next lesson. 

just tell me this crap is all worth it someday. tell me one day i can stop jumping from one verbal life raft to the next, and i'll be able to walk on some actual solid ground of my own again. because this "fake it til i make it" routine of the last three months is getting so very old. memories around here cannot be rewritten all too easily, and i'd like to feel something other than stagnant and surface leveled because of them. i'd like to shake off all of this unwanted familiarity and start something new. 

i know i know, i'll be okay.

things i'll never understand: sleepless meesh edition.

[why i'm able to trick people into thinking i'm a normal person. in my defense, these were taken extremely late at night.......which isn't normal.]

• why girls with really long and pretty hair will cut their hair short. and like it better that way?? okay, go ahead and have your butch haircut. i'm just gonna be one of those creepy old ladies with the longest white hair and i'm gonna like it.

• why all boys don't wear cologne. honestly, it doesn't matter what you look like or what words come out of your mouth, YOU WILL GET THE GIRL. or you will at least get michelle dastrup (shhh, don't tell daddy).

• why i continue to procrastinate my butt-long papers until the night before they are due. and not only is there a paper to write, but there is a book to be read before in order to write the paper....that also doesn't get started until the night before it is due. oh, oh! and this also happened two weeks ago. i have serious procrastinating problems. submit me to a clinic or something.

• why i even attempt eating healthy. my brain's like what up healthy, toned body?? we got this!! and then my body's like ha ha STOP. just give us the cookies already.

• why my really old comms professor from semesters ago keeps sending me "My Birthday requests" via email. i mean, it is my favorite day of the year and it can be yours too if you really want it that bad....

• why i am writing this blog post instead of writing the aforementioned paper that is due in an hour. you never learn, michelle.

on to the next one.

as of late, 

there's been a turn of events that, sadly and quite honestly, 

i had seen coming for a while.

the deepest part of me was trying my hardest to essentially force a square to fit inside a circle, 

but naturally things just didn't work out.

the facts needed to be faced.

and time seen as lost can also be seen as experience gained.

here's the deal:

from now on, i'm no longer in the business of lying to myself.

from now on, if anything feels off, 

if any freaking part of me has to delay or deny reality in order to make whatever i'm doing fit with what i want, then count me out.

in fact, consider me marathon running in the other direction.

because what's the point of trying to make something work that i know i don't even want?

i didn't even want it.

i'm not tricking my gut feelings anymore.

it's not economically or emotionally worth it.

my motto: anything other than yes is no.

if it's not a yes!, it's a dang no.

[a "haaaiil nooo", if you will]. 

and some may think that's just too extreme.

that there's always a gray area in that black and white world that you can dance around in for months,

wondering if what you're pursuing is what the deepest part of your core longs for.

and delaying the confrontation to just see what happens or if things will change.

but what it really comes down to is that i'm on the path to figuring out what i want to be and where i want to be going.

i don't have time to twiddle my thumbs and hope for change.

hope for some strong resonating reassurance.

i'm no longer not listening to that little voice that, from the beginning of it all, told me NO.

no no, i'm now in the business of progression.

where did i put my underwear?

MOV03542 from Michelle Dastrup on Vimeo.

sorry sis. manwaring, steven came a knockin'.

dear void.

just one of my favorite quotes from my favorite movies,

which i actually don't have a copy of...

and my birthday is in a month and like six minutes.

back to it though, i love these words.

i love them because i actually find myself asking myself the same things pretty often.

in fact, if you even spend about a day with me, you'll know that i'm always worrying about my life.

i don't know if it's because i'm way over-analytical and worry that i'll find myself in a rut of a life one day.

it's just that i've had my eyes opened for me at a young age.

i've been told many stories from people that spent large parts of their life living somebody else's life.

being someone they thought they were supposed to be.

essentially wasting their life.

i've seen the pain this has caused. the unrest.

these stories are practically horror stories for me.

i'm all about learning through experiences, 

but i also have a deep need and personal demand for efficiency.

everyone else can do what they want and make their mistakes and it's just fine.

 but for me [and i know this is completely unrealistic], 

i need to be on point with myself every step of the way.

i was always that cheater that checked every option in those choose-your-own-adventure books just so i didn't waste my time wandering through the forest just to get eaten by wolves or end up marrying a leprechaun.

because i need to know what i'm doing and where the h i'm going or i will just crash.

i live with purpose.

i'm constantly questioning myself if my entire life i'm living on every level is what i actually want.

wondering if i'd be happier in california or paris than in utah.

wondering if i surround and influence myself with the right people.

wondering if i'm absolutely crazy and should scrap everything i'm working towards.

i'm a skeptic. but i'm also a realist.

i also know that i'm a bit naive and so i try to overcompensate.

hence that over-thinking part of me.

and i can't decide if i should condone this constant questioning because while it does keep me on my feet and always make me fight to never sit in my own crap,

it also leaves me always questioning and never absolutely and truly fulfilled.

because i'm always worried i'm just being naive or apathetic in my choices and there's something more perfect for me somewhere else.

i've realized that there's just kind of this acute but constant bitterness if you want to keep your eyes open and your head up.

i don't know.

i don't really want an answer. i just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. so good night, dear void.

i got no respect because i'm the new man.

[not a big deal but i'm obsessed with this girl and am missing her an insane amount....even though i saw her a week ago.]

not a big deal,

but maybe my internet connection is being super crappy

and doing hw (which was technically due about 7 hours ago now) that should have taken 1 hour to do

has turned into 2+ hours.

not a big deal,

but maybe my dinner tonight was about 30 m&m's in class.

in my defense, most of them were brown which makes them healthier because chocolate's already brown..................

making mommy and daddy proud.

not a big deal,

but maybe i'm desperate enough for an internship that i applied to one at an insurance company.

almost twice actually.

so that's desperate twice.

raisin' the self-esteem roof here people!

not a big deal,

but maybe i did really well on a test that was really hard

and then did hardly average on a test that was "really easy".

but who cares, because i got my ratings back at work today and according to them, i am "just lovely to chat with on the phone". 

and that's all that really matters in this world isn't it?

not a big deal,

but maybe i have listened to this song a shameful amount of times now....

[maybe this is why it's taken me extra long to do my hw]

and laugh at myself/pretend i know all the words the entire time.

seriously, who am i??

it's a sad day when...

[there's a fox on my sweater. this isn't sad. this is awesome.]
it's the third week of school, and i'm just now getting to ordering my books online. lucky for me, they'll be here in precisely not on time for my reading quizzes this week. great, michelle, SUPER GREAT.

i really actually just want doughnuts. all the time. cake and glazed. and i will marry you if you put a dozen on my ring finger.

speaking of food, maybe i had a dream where i went to taco bell and spent $200? seriously, i'm wild. call the police because things are apparently just getting out of hand mentally. 

every time i go to my media law class, i just want to watch legally blonde. #subjectmatterjurisdiction

the darn adorable boyfriend is in hawaii all week and constantly spamming me with paradisiacal pictures that make me immediately want to jump ship. just tell me why my request to sneak on the plane with him in his carry-on was denied. i am a pleasure to travel with!

construction on the parking lot smack dab by my apartment complex wakes me up in the morning. excuse me, but if you don't stop operating your machinery, i will personally chuck a brick out of my window at your head. thank you very much.

quickly getting ready in the dark to work out only to realize in the light that you're wearing head-to-toe pink. pink-the color of pepto bismol. hopefully it won't affect my runs, badumbumpshhh!

what's more worth it: waking up earlier to wash and do your hair so it can cover your ears from the freezing cold be clean and look nice so you can make friends, or sleep in and just chuck your dirty hair into a bun/ponytail and risk your ears literally falling off in front of you?
if you really know me, you know it's a simple choice. sadly.

just some deducings from a lost girl.

i find myself reflecting a lot lately.

 i keep getting random spurts of inspiration because of advice from books or people around me.

and i can't help but find it funny that the things i am learning from them, i already know...

but i was so quick to forget them.

like a silly lost lamb or something.

how it it possible to understand something so clearly at one point and then have it become blurry to you in seemingly no time after that?

it's as if i need to write all these things down and read them to myself daily to remember them.

and please explain to me how it is possible to know or to at least have an idea of something that you want to be and become, and you even know exactly what you need to do in order to change to get there, but for some reason you just aren't doing it?

and you don't even know why.

perhaps apprehension?

or just apathy?

regardless, it's discouraging.

it's just kinda interesting to me how long it takes to truly find ourselves.

what we want in life.

what we want in relationships.

what we want out of ourselves.

and every time we happen to find a small piece, we wonder how we went so long not knowing about that important part of us.

i'm kind of addicted to that moment.

and those beautiful findings.