but seriously.

i've got something to say.

something i need to get out there.

so i can finally understand it for myself.

lately, i've been in the muck of one of my bi-(sometimes tri-)annual meltdowns.

the silly thing with me is

i feel like i have at least one mid-life crisis each school semester.

[yes, i'm aware that my life isn't halfway over but i call it that for tradition's/reference's sake.]

like clockwork, i can feel it coming on once my work begins to pile up.

or when i'm stuck in classes or a job that doesn't really inspire or light me up.

[which truly is inevitable because i get tired of things really easily the more i delve into them. the broad thinker man's curse.]

maybe because i don't want to think about my work so i resort to thinking about anything else

aka my life at the present and in the future.

and i tend to over think things [like alot. or alot more than any other girl i know.] 

and stress about things too easily.

and these crisis' tend to temporarily rip me apart like a mad tornado.

i start to lose a grip on myself and for awhile, i have no idea what i truly want.

it's almost like all my limits and personal lines start to blur or knock over.

so when this recent one hit me, i wasn't surprised because of unfamiliarity.

i was surprised because more than ever, i've realized that i have no idea what i want.

i might know some things i definitely don't want.

but lately i've started falling for just about anything.

and in some ways, i'm hating myself for it.

i'm figuratively looking at myself in a mirror throughout my days and thinking i'm crazy.

making choices that the me a couple weeks ago would verbally chew me out for.

it's uncomfortable and not natural for me to act and think this way that i am right now.

all my plans don't seem so adamantly penned into my life planner anymore.

and my own personal labels aren't sticking anymore.

i don't know if this is a good thing or not, being more open to things, people, goals.

i've spent the last couple years being extremely cautious and strict on myself with relationships and life plans.

and while i always thought that was the most beneficial thinking for myself, i'm coming to terms now that it might not be the healthiest thing for me to be so hard on myself.

i can't always make the most efficient choices like i want to.

i've also realized that i have a lot of unanswered questions in my life.

and it's been really hard for me, not getting that instant resolve that i love and long for.

i have a strong testimony. i have faith. and i do have hope.

but i truly don't understand why really hard things have happened to my loved ones.

watching them get attacked over and over has almost become unbearable.

i know there are reasons for it all. i just wish so badly i could understand those reasons.

and i do know that someday my questions will be answered.

i'll be forever calmed.

it's just hard sometimes. a little bit empty.

i don't usually write so openly about myself in public. 

in fact, i always leave those writings to a word document that i almost always resort to around 1 or 2 in the morning [like i'm doing now] when i'm tossing and turning in bed. 

and i realize it's because i have a million thoughts in my mind that i have to throw up on paper so i can sort everything out and understand it for myself instead of having it ricocheting around in my brain. 

but what's so wrong with this vulnerability?

it shows i'm human, having raw feelings and emotions.

these are the things i'm struggling with lately.

i'm sure others are too in their own ways.

identity management is something i'm very much guilty of, and i'm working on being comfortable enough with myself to actually let me represent me.

i'm finding comfort in alma 5:13 [as well as my wonderful family and friends].

13 And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.

this, i know, to be true.

i'll be okay.