dear void.

just one of my favorite quotes from my favorite movies,

which i actually don't have a copy of...

and my birthday is in a month and like six minutes.

back to it though, i love these words.

i love them because i actually find myself asking myself the same things pretty often.

in fact, if you even spend about a day with me, you'll know that i'm always worrying about my life.

i don't know if it's because i'm way over-analytical and worry that i'll find myself in a rut of a life one day.

it's just that i've had my eyes opened for me at a young age.

i've been told many stories from people that spent large parts of their life living somebody else's life.

being someone they thought they were supposed to be.

essentially wasting their life.

i've seen the pain this has caused. the unrest.

these stories are practically horror stories for me.

i'm all about learning through experiences, 

but i also have a deep need and personal demand for efficiency.

everyone else can do what they want and make their mistakes and it's just fine.

 but for me [and i know this is completely unrealistic], 

i need to be on point with myself every step of the way.

i was always that cheater that checked every option in those choose-your-own-adventure books just so i didn't waste my time wandering through the forest just to get eaten by wolves or end up marrying a leprechaun.

because i need to know what i'm doing and where the h i'm going or i will just crash.

i live with purpose.

i'm constantly questioning myself if my entire life i'm living on every level is what i actually want.

wondering if i'd be happier in california or paris than in utah.

wondering if i surround and influence myself with the right people.

wondering if i'm absolutely crazy and should scrap everything i'm working towards.

i'm a skeptic. but i'm also a realist.

i also know that i'm a bit naive and so i try to overcompensate.

hence that over-thinking part of me.

and i can't decide if i should condone this constant questioning because while it does keep me on my feet and always make me fight to never sit in my own crap,

it also leaves me always questioning and never absolutely and truly fulfilled.

because i'm always worried i'm just being naive or apathetic in my choices and there's something more perfect for me somewhere else.

i've realized that there's just kind of this acute but constant bitterness if you want to keep your eyes open and your head up.

i don't know.

i don't really want an answer. i just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. so good night, dear void.